Taming the Mind Monkey: A Practical Way to Calm Your Mind
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Human beings have solved some of the most complex issues facing our species. Diseases have been eradicated, the planet is more socially connected than ever before, and data shows that the percent of people living in extreme poverty continues to shrink. You wouldn’t think it to be the case by watching the evening news, but the world is becoming a better place. If you don’t believe me I would highly recommend checking out Hans Rosling and Steven Pinker’s TED Talks. But if the world is becoming a better place, why then are more and more people experiencing less happiness and joy?
Humans have become very good at solving problems external to themselves, while at the same time becoming worse at solving the internal. Every single person has what I like to call a “mind monkey” bouncing around in their heads causing havoc. It likes to jump up on its cage and make our brains a noisy place. The monkey is also a very good story teller, which could write some pretty fantastic soap operas.
How many of you have told yourself this story? You are sitting in a meeting at work led by your boss and you don’t understand a certain topic. You speak up to ask a question, and as soon as you ask the question, you get confused looks from the other attendees. Your boss informs you that they covered that topic earlier in the meeting. Not only do you get embarrassed, but you start to think how foolish everyone must think you to be. You made a fool of yourself in front of your boss, and the next time there is a possibility for promotion you will most assuredly be passed up. Worse, if the company needs to downsize for some reason you will be the first to go. The economy will probably be really bad during that time, and you won’t be able to find another job. You and your family will end up destitute on the street, all because you couldn’t pay attention for an entire meeting.
Some may laugh at a story like this, but most all of us have told ourselves a similar story at one point or another. We take a simple mistake and turn it into an ultimate and grim conclusion. I don’t know how to make up a simple story to tell my children, but I could write a Spanish telenovela in minutes for a situation like the one above! Why is this? In my opinion, we have become mindless people. I’m not saying we are dumb, but when it comes to our feelings, emotions, and other areas affecting our psyche, we don’t put a lot of training into learning how to control it.
The solution: Mindfulness.
I would define mindfulness in the following way: Mindfulness is the state of being non-judgmental, and curious, toward thoughts, emotions, and feelings (both physical and mental).
No one enjoys pain. If someone becomes angry with us we like to go into fight or flight mode. We want to escape the discomfort of the situation by retreating from that person, or by lashing out and becoming angry ourselves. Fight or flight is good when we encounter a wild animal, but it is not so good when we are dealing with our loved ones, bosses, or employees. Retreating or lashing out causes resentment and grudges which will resurface at a later time.
This is where mindfulness can be powerful! Instead of fighting or running away, mindfulness can help us to calmly assess the situation and react in a more constructive way.
How to Train Mindfulness
In my opinion, the best way to train mindfulness is by creating a meditation practice.
Wait!
Don’t leave!
I’m not asking you to surround yourself with candles and incense while you try to empty your mind for hours on end in an attempt to be spiritually connected to everything.
I grew up equating meditation to Eastern Mysticism. It is true that Eastern Mystics have used meditation for millenniums to reach what they consider enlightened states, but they don’t own the market on meditation. Pro athletes use training and exercise to become better athletes, but non-athletes still use training and exercise to live healthy lives. Meditation is the same thing. Think of meditation as exercise for your mind.
Before I get into what meditation is, I think it would be helpful to talk about what meditation IS NOT.
Meditation IS NOT the act of trying to empty your mind.
Meditation IS NOT the practice of reaching a certain state.
Meditation IS NOT religious.
Meditation IS NOT relaxation – it takes work (again, think exercise for the mind).
I’m sure there are more, but those are typically the top arguments I hear against creating a meditation practice. So now that we know what meditation IS NOT, we can now talk about what meditation IS.
Meditation is the exercise of not running or fighting against the emotions and feelings that arise in our minds and body, but instead, acknowledging, accepting, and letting the thought go. A common thing I hear from people is how anxious thoughts seem to pop up in their minds as soon as their head hits the pillow at night. Why is this? Many of us live in societies where we are always on the move. We wake up, get the kids ready and out the door for school, rush to our jobs, put in a full busy day of work, rush home to grab something to eat before driving the kids around town for soccer practice and games, come home and get a few things done around the house, and then head to bed. Maybe the scenario is slightly different for everyone, but my guess is that even if a person isn’t as busy they still like to fill the empty time with social media and Netflix. We live lives that don’t give our feelings the space to be recognized and acknowledged. The one time during our day when our minds aren’t distracted by other activities is when we want to do the one thing we know we need to do in order to be ready for the next busy day…sleep. Not a good time to do battle with your thoughts and emotions.
I wrote a little bit about feelings and emotions in a previous post, but to recap: feelings and emotions tell us that something may be out of balance. When you put your hand in fire your pain receptors react in a way to protect your body. The same is true with our feelings and emotions. We need to make space in our lives that give us the opportunity to acknowledge these feelings and emotions.
Creating a meditation practice is an effective way for this space to be created. Here is an easy way to begin meditating:
1. Set aside a minimum of five to ten minutes
2. Find a place which has little distractions and where you can sit comfortably
3. Once seated comfortably, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths – in through the nose and out through the mouth
4. After a few deep breaths let your breathing return to normal and try to focus your attention on the breath
5. Focus on the feeling of the breath. Do you feel your chest and belly expanding on the inhale and collapsing on the exhale? Does the air feel warm or cold in your nostrils or throat? Try to understand what the feeling of the breath feels like for you, and return to it when your mind becomes distracted.
6. As thoughts, emotions, and feelings in the body arise (which they will no matter how much you practice) view them with a curiosity and without judgement. Once you have acknowledged your thoughts without judgement, let them go. I like to imagine I am sitting on a beach and my thoughts and emotions begin to float by on boats. I see them and acknowledge them, but on the next exhale I imagine my breath is pushing them out to sea and over the horizon.
It really is as easy as that. You can also adapt this practice to whatever works for you. Maybe you would rather sit cross-legged than on a chair, or lay down from time to time (though beware that you may end up falling asleep!). That’s ok! The important thing is you give yourself the time to let your feelings and emotions come to the surface, be acknowledged, and then let go of the ones you need to let go of or deal with the ones that need dealt with.
Helpful Tools to Practice Meditation
As mindfulness meditation grows there are TONS of different tools out there to help you in your practice. In my opinion the apps Calm and Headspace (both on iOS and Android) are two of the best apps available. The free portion of each app is enough to keep you in the practice of meditation for a long time.
Another helpful tool is the book “10-Minute Mindfulness: 71 Simple Habits for Living in the Present Moment” by S.J. Scott and Barrie Davenport. This book gives different examples of ways you can practice mindfulness throughout the day. Anything from washing the dishes to making tea to going on a walk can be used as an exercise to train yourself in mindfulness.
Personal Examples
Let me give you two examples in my life where I have found mindfulness extremely helpful.
The first example, and one that has been most important for me, is how I interact with others – especially loved ones. In the past, if my wife would say anything which seemed even remotely targeted at me, I would go into full fight or flight mode. I would either walk away from the situation, only to let it come back again later, or I would stand my ground and fight to win. In either case I was more worried about myself and my ego. Now when I hear something that comes off as my wife attacking me, I do much better at being empathetic or sympathetic toward her. I become more curious of her emotions and start to wonder if she feels the way she does because she is tired after a long day, or is dealing with her own emotions. Mindfulness has allowed me to work through those situations in a much more constructive way that doesn’t put my relationships on the rocks. I still mess this up from time to time, but overall this has been life changing in my relationship with her and others!
The second example is less important, but one which still highlights the power of mindfulness.
I hate the cold! When winter rolls around each year I can become a Scrooge when it comes to the outdoors. However, this past winter I discovered how I could use mindfulness to overcome my aversion to the cold. A few months ago my son had a track meet and the weather was in the 30’s. Track meets are already long, and sitting there on metal benches, in the open, where the wind cuts through a person, in the 30 degree weather is one of my worst nightmares….or at least it was. As I sat there I decided to give something a try: instead of fighting against or complaining about the effects of the cold, I became curious of them. I observed the feelings in my body. What it felt like against my exposed skin. What it felt like in my arms and legs. As I began to observe the feelings, rather than fight against them, I began to warm up. Just yesterday we went to my son’s soccer game; I didn’t bring a jacket, and I was wearing short sleeves. It wasn’t that I didn’t want a jacket! The day was warm up until that point, and as soon as we got there the temperature began to drop. Throughout the game I heard people around me, in jackets and bundled up in blankets, express their shock at how cold it had gotten. Once again I became curious of the cold, and once again I began to warm up. This has been so eye opening to me that at the end of my shower each day I turn the shower as cold as it will go and try to stand there for 20-30 seconds and become curious of the sensation. I focus on my breath and how the cold water feels against my cold skin. As begin to do this more it takes my mind less time to get to a place where it is comfortable with the cold.
Final Thoughts
Do I think mindfulness is a magic bullet to the challenges my mind faces? Absolutely not! The monkey in my mind still likes to jump on its cage and rattle the bars from time to time. It likes to throw its poo around at the most inconvenient times. What mindfulness has done however, is give me the tools to tame the monkey more often than not. It has allowed me to be a better master of my mind, instead of allowing my mind to master me.
I know I am not the only one that has a hyperactive monkey jumping around my mind. If you have a monkey of your own that likes to drive you nuts, I would like to encourage you to give mindfulness – especially meditation – a try. Give yourself 5-10 minutes a day, for one month, to meditate. I think you will find that your wild monkey can become one of your best friends!
