A Parent's Anxiety - Daily Ramblings - July 16, 2018

This week my oldest child will be turning fourteen. Parents that have come before me are not lying when they say time goes so fast. It seems like yesterday we were potty training him and now he is going to be a freshman in high school with a learner's permit for driving. As he grows into a young man my grip on him is slowly loosening as well. He will begin to make choices in which he will have to deal with the consequences. He will enjoy new found freedoms without me there to protect him. And with all of that I am discovering anxiety that surprises me out of no where.

This past weekend, my son asked if he could meet some friends at a park across town. He knew how to get there, he knows how to ride a bike safely on his own, and we had nothing else going on. I had no reason not to let him go. Shortly after he left I hopped into the shower. As I began to shampoo my hair a vision flashed into my head of my son laying on the concrete bleeding after being hit by a car. The whole scenario played out in my mind. It was one of those visions that feels so real and is overwhelming. Like when you have a dream that you are mad at your spouse and when you awake you are still mad at them because of how real the dream was....except this time your kid is dead.

I took a deep breath, reminded myself that I am not in control as to what will happen with my children, and then prayed to the One that is in control. As I prayed my anxiety turned into gratefulness.

First, I was grateful that I have had the chance to spend many great years with my children. Secondly, I was grateful that I can't control everything. If I could control everything I would screw it up somehow. To take control is to take on the stress that comes with that control. If I spent every moment trying to control all the unseen dangers my kids could encounter I would go crazy with stress and anxiety.

Coming to grips with the fact that I can't control my kids - or many of the things around my kids - is a freeing realization. Anxiety is the third wheel to an enjoyable time spent with my kids. To let go of control I don't really have in the first place, is to let go of the anxiety which comes with it, and an opportunity to fully enjoy my children.

I hate the gory image of my son that flashed into my mind the other day, but I am thankful that it led me to a place of deep gratitude and love. I cannot control some of the things that enter my mind, but I can control how I respond to those.